They have been a part of the British landscape for centuries, but it seems that UK cities may have had their day, according to a man claiming to be a former government housing minister, and London is set to be the first to go.

“It’s no secret that people who live in nice little villages with cricket greens and duck ponds and that are far happier than people who are all crammed together in a big city like, say, London,” explained Mr Morris Dancer of no fixed abode. “So the plan is to get rid of cities entirely and move everyone into nice little villages instead, like out of Midsommer Murders.”

And according to Mr Dancer, London is going to be the first to go, with dismantling due to begin in approximately three weeks.

“It’s a mammoth task, dismantling London,” said Mr Dancer from his bench in Regents Park, “but it’s got to be done.”

The work is being undertaken by HR Babbage and Sons Building Services from Luton. They estimate it will take no more than eight weeks to complete the job. In the meantime, London’s 8 million residents will be put up in a local community centre until their new village is built on the site where London once stood.

Builder HR Babbage was undeterred by the scale of the task ahead. “We’ve had bigger jobs, to be honest,” he said, “so it shouldn’t be too much bother. Yeah, we’re doing London first, then Birmingham and then Cardiff, if I remember right. Anyway, is that the kettle? Make us one, will ya? Milk an’ two sugars. Ta.”

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