We all have one: that friend who talks about their love of “people-watching”. “I spent the afternoon people-watching”, they say. Or: “I got myself a coffee and sat outside people-watching”.

But thanks to an official study carried out by officials, it seems that the days of talking about “people-watching” as if it were a legitimate hobby are over, because it’s apparently just another way of saying “doing f**k all”.

“When people talk about ‘people-watching’,” explained Professor Barry Island from the University of Bollockular Studies in Cardiff, “what they actually mean is just staring off into space or idly scrolling through Instagram. They’re not actually doing anything, so it’s all just a load of old bollocks really.”

So why do people claim to be “people-watching” when they are actually doing f**k all?

“Because it’s their way of legitimising something which is basically just a stinking waste of time,” said Professor Island. “I mean, can you imagine saying to someone: ‘I spent my afternoon doing f**k all’? Who’d ever want to hang around with someone like that? Not me, that’s for sure. So they think that by giving it a name it becomes less questionable.”

So is there a cure for this dreadful affliction?

“Well, yes. They can get themselves a proper hobby, one that involves actually doing something constructive instead of just sitting outside a cafe doing f**k all.”

So what can we as a nation do about it?

“The next time someone tells you that they’re going people-watching, roll your eyes. And then walk away. Forever.”

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