Tortoiseshell cats are not integrating into British society, hold beliefs which are incompatible with our own, and are a drain on the nation’s resources, say Britain’s tabbies.

The controversial views have been gaining traction online in recent years via various Facebook groups such as Tabbies First, the Tabby Defence League and Tabby Pride.

Tabbies First leader Tizzy, aged four, was unapologetic. “When the Siamese came over here, they integrated. When the Russian Blues came over here, they integrated. When the Persians came over, they integrated. But when the tortoiseshells came over, they didn’t integrate. Instead, they’ve refused to adopt traditional British values like rubbing themselves up against their owners and playing with balls of wool, and instead spend all their time formulating acts of domestic terrorism like shitting in their neighbours’ gardens and preying on defenceless birds. We need to send ‘em all back.”

But six year old Topper of the Tortoiseshell Council of Britain disagrees. “I, like many of my fellow tortoiseshells, was born here, I’ve lived here all my life and I play an active part in my community. I roll around on my back in a really cute fashion when it’s sunny, and I sometimes fall off fences and make everyone laugh. Tabbies First and the like are just out to perpetuate hatred and spread discord. If you examine the evidence, you’ll find that far more tabbies than tortoiseshells shit in their neighbour’s gardens and eat birds, I can tell you.”

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